vanity fair

I'm slowly beginning to lose my mind and I think vanity is right at the bottom of it. I seem to have developed and inferiority complex which constantly makes me doubt my appearance and overall demeanor. My physique and my hair will be the first to be critiqued and both may be developed in the coming weeks. It is quite becoming to actually sit back and take a look at how much life is based on appearance and how this affects everyone, being shallow is not a state of mind it is a survival technique which allows us to accept that being beautiful can get you far in life. Life< Vice.

it's the D-R-E

Judging someone is not so much showing your opinion but trying to alleviate yourself to a higher ranking than that person in your own mind. I think to judge someone for trying something, or doing something harmless that has no negative effect on anyone without even understanding why is sad and quite pathetic. I for one aim to experience all I can and you know I wont judge the people that don't want the same thing.

 'It's weird what you've turned into'. 

I turned into nothing, just because I want something more than this, I want to leave my head for a while does not make me a bad person and nor does it make me any less of a person than mr.clean. I've been watching in the shadows and it's time to put myself and the fore front, this is my life and nobody else's so I think I'll just do what I want and leave your two cents in your purse.

Save me from this nightmare? :)

I just want someone to save me from myself, I want ten seconds outside of my own head. Thinking is what fucks me up and I just need to get away from it all. Why am I so lonely?. The whole world is just looking for an excuse for someone to pity them, I'm no different. I don't know what I feel anymore I just know I wish I didn't feel at all. I've never been the guy who gets the girl but can someone just make me feel okay again. It's only seven letters but I wish I had the guts.

mirror, mirror on the wall

The complexeties of everyday life have their own special ways of creating a wound and applying the salt. With me it is never self loathing, it is just feeling as if, this is the ride I'll be on forever and couldn't I have picked another cart. I never chose to look like this, everything else is under my control, my attitude, personality my many nights spent intoxicated. But this is what I was given and most of the time I feel as though I drew the short straw, one day I want to look in the mirror and feel okay about the way I look but life isn't designed like that and my mind wont allow it. I constantly seek the approval of other people and this just seems to multiply my angst, someone please reassure me because these walls are unstable and I'm trying to climb out. I'd love to think that anyone really cared but you can never be sure, my heart still beats faster when I think of you, I'd love to think anyone even read this but I'm not that naive. Maybe one day what I say will matter.

I always write about you.

if the clouds cast shadows over doubts in your mind,

and you find that place in your head where your secrets are spoken aloud,

if love and misery separate their ugly heads,

put this fairytale to bed and pull the covers over our past,

let happiness shine through the gap in the window,

and cover our memories in every emotion we miss,

when silence is no longer a virtue but a promise to never speak of what came before,

and locked drawers hold on tight to everything within,

if heaven and hell collide and leave us picking up the pieces,

and noah leaves us stranded as the tide comes rushing in,

I will hold you close and whisper 'romance never dies',

wipe the tears from your eyes and share one last sweet kiss,

take our bow leave the stage and draw the curtain on suburbias last real shot at hope,

the gutter holds our memories, fears and stories all scribbled out on a post it note.

If you don't know me by now.

I'm very tired of living in a society in which celebrity status is handed out to any Tom, Dick or Sally who has been chosen for the newest hit reality tv show. It seems real achievement is now drowned out by the monotonous drone of post modernism. I think one day we will look up at these pedastools and almost revolutionarily decide to de-throne those who we see splashed all over todays headlines. Sometimes it just dissapoints me to see someone put in the public eye for being the younger sibling/ best friend of a 'celebrity' who has not really achieved much in their own career. Now as we wave goodbye to culture and hello to idols who fall somewhere short of heroic I think we should perhaps look back to the heroes of the past to understand what real talent is. Dickens, Joyce, Wilde, Shakespeare these names jump out for a reason and ooze talent with every syllable the very mention of their names in recent times is unlikely to cause a stir, but in a generation in which more people know of Jade Goody than Ranulph Fiennes it is hardly surprising. For me even now it is all about WHAT you know and not who you know, it is about who you are and what you have achieved, I will not bow down to this society built on false admiration. Maybe one day people will wake up and realise their children should not be watching Big Brother, they should be reading Lewis Carroll, until then I guess we just have to hold on to the past and the real idols, I think we all owe ourselves this.

I just came by to thank you............ for wrecking my life

So I haven't posted in a while, but I've had a busy week so it's only good t0 wait until my mind is properly focused. I've been listening this week to people speaking about regrets and how they wish they hadn't done things, but I myself can say I have none. I have made as many mistakes as the next guy but I don't regret a single one. If I had not made every single step in the same place I would not be in the same place I am right now. You cannot retrace these steps so regretting them is pointless and dwelling on the past seems only to promote sour grapes and unhappiness. I see everyday as a blank canvas and each one should be lived independently of one another. Sure there will be over riding themes which overlap these days and combine them to make the memories interweave, but if I live today thinking about tomorrow or yesterday then I waste the 24 hours in between. I love how beautiful life is and every single person has their own story to tell, I just hope I get feature in as many as possible.