End Of Transmission

Fin.

Curiosity killed the cat

If fate is true then does it mean that no matter what I do I will end up in the same place?, that the moment I left the womb my life was decided and I have no say in what happens, If I am at the mercy of karma then who decides what is good and bad? if my life is resigned to following whatever white rabbit God has given me then are my choices really my own? Therefore can I be blamed for any of my actions, and why should I seek repentance when it was never me in control anyway, If I was built for a purpose why are some built to remove the good of their lives and remove children of mothers and fathers, If God sees and hears all then why do we have to wait to the afterlife for punishment, If you are stillborn which way do you go?,Destiny is only for the inspired.

Lost and Found, Found and Lost

Reconsider everything you've ever imagined,
conceal all images behind a screen,
wash your eyes but this is real,
pinch your skin, cos this is home,
the grass may be greener but no-one knows your name,
your thoughts may be cleaner but you liked it that way,
take your best shot you're firing blanks,
your heart was never in it so they've taken them back,
wash your eyes,
at least you're still alive.

Back to reality

Do you ever get the feeling your being watched? I seem to have developed a Truman Show complex which makes me doubt everything, i think this tunnel made me blind but I'm now I'm coming out the other side. It's so hard to be the real you when you don't know what reality is.

This is the first day of my life

I'm sorry I let you all down, i know I have stuff to sort out and I think my priorities may have finally been aligned in the right ways, you guys mean everything to me and although second chances are something I wouldn't advise I have faith that you guys are good enough people to maybe let me have that. If you do I promise to never let you down again, especially M & K, I have never deserved you guys and I have never said 'I love you" enough times to justify how much I really do. To you I never stopped loving you and although I'm a long way off Prince Charming I can only hope to scrape the barrel of what you deserve, I will work everyday for it. To my friends, you guys mean everything to me and I don't want to lose you, I forgot just how much you've done for me in the midst of all this and you guys are the only people in the world I've felt I'd forgive anything to be around, I hope you can feel the same about me. I took for granted that you'd always be there and I promise to get help to sort this whole thing out, this is my problem and although I'd love if you could help, I really don't know if I'd want to in your shoes. Today I am born again and from now I live my life to clean my soul. I don't want to end up lying on the floor by my portrait with narcissm rather than blood dripping from my wounds. I am sorry, I love you all.


Straight Edge For Summer.


'Call it a boy kicked out at the world, the world kicked back a lot fucking harder now.'

A penis

The dictionary states that 'Happiness results from the possession or attainment of what one considers good.' Whether this is true or not to most people I could never be sure but I have a hard time believing it. Happiness is not a label you can put on someone and tell them they feel it, it comes from within yourself and in the bleakest moments and most depressing times happiness can still shine through, in Baghdad behind the destruction and mindless violence a child can smile and their small token of happiness can shine as hope for the future. When you feel it not a single thing compares, because where excitement and lust fall short, happiness can last for eternity. Thats if you let it of course. It would be astonishingly ambitious to assume that you could be happy all your life, but that's not what it's about, it wouldn't be there if it weren't for the bad times because it would be no different to every other day. It is about not taking it for granted and realising that the world isn't all that bad. It is opening your eyes and seeing that happiness peeks from behind every corner. Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind sounds oh so appealing but to me to take away the sad memories is to also erase the happy. Bereavement or a broken heart the worst of all emotions could never be there without the happiness which proceeded them. The world wants to tell you all the bad news and forget the good, you just have to remember that happiness is only a stones throw away. My happiness is incoherent and inexperienced but nothing is ever as straight forward as we'd like it to be.

Dance Wiv Me?

consequences cloud our judgement from day one and we will shut our eyes and hide from what the public thinks. Sometimes I do things as just a big fuck you to those people who judge and other times I just make sure I enjoy it. Because how can it be a mistake if you enjoy making it? many people lose their lives trying to conform to a society so wound up in other people no-one is looking at themselves, for me society is not what the papers say, it is those people i surround myself with and whose opinions I genuinely take into consideration. I think binge drinking and drugs are much less of a problem than education and I think that life is for living and experiences are just marks on the passport of life, ones which you cant take back. I'm collecting stamps and just waiting for the world to join me.

vanity fair

I'm slowly beginning to lose my mind and I think vanity is right at the bottom of it. I seem to have developed and inferiority complex which constantly makes me doubt my appearance and overall demeanor. My physique and my hair will be the first to be critiqued and both may be developed in the coming weeks. It is quite becoming to actually sit back and take a look at how much life is based on appearance and how this affects everyone, being shallow is not a state of mind it is a survival technique which allows us to accept that being beautiful can get you far in life. Life< Vice.

it's the D-R-E

Judging someone is not so much showing your opinion but trying to alleviate yourself to a higher ranking than that person in your own mind. I think to judge someone for trying something, or doing something harmless that has no negative effect on anyone without even understanding why is sad and quite pathetic. I for one aim to experience all I can and you know I wont judge the people that don't want the same thing.

 'It's weird what you've turned into'. 

I turned into nothing, just because I want something more than this, I want to leave my head for a while does not make me a bad person and nor does it make me any less of a person than mr.clean. I've been watching in the shadows and it's time to put myself and the fore front, this is my life and nobody else's so I think I'll just do what I want and leave your two cents in your purse.

Save me from this nightmare? :)

I just want someone to save me from myself, I want ten seconds outside of my own head. Thinking is what fucks me up and I just need to get away from it all. Why am I so lonely?. The whole world is just looking for an excuse for someone to pity them, I'm no different. I don't know what I feel anymore I just know I wish I didn't feel at all. I've never been the guy who gets the girl but can someone just make me feel okay again. It's only seven letters but I wish I had the guts.

mirror, mirror on the wall

The complexeties of everyday life have their own special ways of creating a wound and applying the salt. With me it is never self loathing, it is just feeling as if, this is the ride I'll be on forever and couldn't I have picked another cart. I never chose to look like this, everything else is under my control, my attitude, personality my many nights spent intoxicated. But this is what I was given and most of the time I feel as though I drew the short straw, one day I want to look in the mirror and feel okay about the way I look but life isn't designed like that and my mind wont allow it. I constantly seek the approval of other people and this just seems to multiply my angst, someone please reassure me because these walls are unstable and I'm trying to climb out. I'd love to think that anyone really cared but you can never be sure, my heart still beats faster when I think of you, I'd love to think anyone even read this but I'm not that naive. Maybe one day what I say will matter.

I always write about you.

if the clouds cast shadows over doubts in your mind,

and you find that place in your head where your secrets are spoken aloud,

if love and misery separate their ugly heads,

put this fairytale to bed and pull the covers over our past,

let happiness shine through the gap in the window,

and cover our memories in every emotion we miss,

when silence is no longer a virtue but a promise to never speak of what came before,

and locked drawers hold on tight to everything within,

if heaven and hell collide and leave us picking up the pieces,

and noah leaves us stranded as the tide comes rushing in,

I will hold you close and whisper 'romance never dies',

wipe the tears from your eyes and share one last sweet kiss,

take our bow leave the stage and draw the curtain on suburbias last real shot at hope,

the gutter holds our memories, fears and stories all scribbled out on a post it note.

If you don't know me by now.

I'm very tired of living in a society in which celebrity status is handed out to any Tom, Dick or Sally who has been chosen for the newest hit reality tv show. It seems real achievement is now drowned out by the monotonous drone of post modernism. I think one day we will look up at these pedastools and almost revolutionarily decide to de-throne those who we see splashed all over todays headlines. Sometimes it just dissapoints me to see someone put in the public eye for being the younger sibling/ best friend of a 'celebrity' who has not really achieved much in their own career. Now as we wave goodbye to culture and hello to idols who fall somewhere short of heroic I think we should perhaps look back to the heroes of the past to understand what real talent is. Dickens, Joyce, Wilde, Shakespeare these names jump out for a reason and ooze talent with every syllable the very mention of their names in recent times is unlikely to cause a stir, but in a generation in which more people know of Jade Goody than Ranulph Fiennes it is hardly surprising. For me even now it is all about WHAT you know and not who you know, it is about who you are and what you have achieved, I will not bow down to this society built on false admiration. Maybe one day people will wake up and realise their children should not be watching Big Brother, they should be reading Lewis Carroll, until then I guess we just have to hold on to the past and the real idols, I think we all owe ourselves this.

I just came by to thank you............ for wrecking my life

So I haven't posted in a while, but I've had a busy week so it's only good t0 wait until my mind is properly focused. I've been listening this week to people speaking about regrets and how they wish they hadn't done things, but I myself can say I have none. I have made as many mistakes as the next guy but I don't regret a single one. If I had not made every single step in the same place I would not be in the same place I am right now. You cannot retrace these steps so regretting them is pointless and dwelling on the past seems only to promote sour grapes and unhappiness. I see everyday as a blank canvas and each one should be lived independently of one another. Sure there will be over riding themes which overlap these days and combine them to make the memories interweave, but if I live today thinking about tomorrow or yesterday then I waste the 24 hours in between. I love how beautiful life is and every single person has their own story to tell, I just hope I get feature in as many as possible.

With only time on my side

The future is something I try not to put too much emphasis on in my life, I guess I feel that today is just as important as tomorrow and if you live with the hope that tomorrow will be better then you miss all the great things that are happening now. Despite this I have to think what I'd like from my life, who I'd like to be and what I want to achieve. I never want to be the average joe or a face in a crowd, I want my life to mean something, I want to experience the world. Marriage is not something I believe in and I'm very much set that this one is about me. Curiosity may have killed the cat but it is my driving force and what makes me want to wake up every day my desire to know, see and feel everything I can. I want to hear everyones story and maybe tell a few why I'm at it.  I am in love with my ideas and dreams, and I want to see them in reality. No regrets, all chance taken, I don't want to waste it. xo

We all wanna change the world

War is always avoidable, and oppression is nothing to be proud of. But to call someone a war criminal for sending troops to save people from an oppressor cannot be justified. The day a man signs up to be a soldier he knows his responsibility, I have sympathy for the families of every soldier who dies in combat but I also have sympathy for the family of every person who dies in a car accident. Both individuals know the risk, if you become a soldier you sign up to fight whether that war is justified or not, when you get in a car there's always the risk of a crash. To then begin to quote the number of deaths in a war as the reason for it's 'war crime' tag line is not only unjust but unethical when looking at the number of deaths before the war, of those who we just happen to be fighting to save. I am not and never will be a war supporter but there is a difference between campaigning against the reasons behind war and those who just want to be the next John Lennon. No-one can change the world alone and if you think a stage and a microphone makes your opinion more important than others then you are sadly mistaken. A soldier signs up to risk his life just like a lion tamer knows the risks when he starts out. Sympathy is different from placing blame. This is what soldiers do, they get paid well for it, empathise with those they left behind but they chose their fate, it is commendable to give your life for the sake of others but it is also a choice and no-one is forced to sign up. I'll be mourning the innocents who have life snatched, without them ever having the chance to decide. 

Chewing on Rocks

I feel like I've had this thing niggling away at me like a loose tooth recently and today/yesterday I finally managed to pull it out. This is both happy and sad as i had begun to love that little feeling I got knowing it was there it is however now time to grow a new tooth which I very much look forward to.  I'm waving goodbye to these feelings, putting them on a ship to god knows where and letting that little fish back into the ocean, it was never mine to have and therefore it would be wrong of me to keep it. I very much enjoyed this all but sometimes you gotta see sense, brain beats heart this time. Maybe next time the heart will pound it's way out but you gotta see these sunny skies as a sign that everything is gonna be alright. xo

If a Tree falls in a forest and no-one hears it, does it make a sound?

And if two people share a kiss that no-one sees or hears about, to the rest of the world it never happened. Lies and secrets are frowned upon in this culture, yet is it not these lies that make things work. A malicious lie designed to hurt someone is obviously avoidable, but a lie to save a marriage? a lie to save someones life? can these be so wrong. I've been considering this and I believe that the lie is only wrong if you get caught out, so many people lie on a daily basis and all they are doing is using tip-ex to cover their mistakes. Nobody is perfect and maybe a little space for error is needed, that little lie that makes him still seem perfect or makes her all the more attractive, the one that makes her feel popular or makes him interesting to the girl he dreams about. Lies may set a false precedent but  I'd be lying if I said I didn't use them each and everyday.

The Great Pretender

Things over the past few weeks have been hectic, its nice to sit down and get my thoughts out again. I think after a few weeks of bouncing from person to person searching for somewhere to settle I've found myself again. i feel a lot better for it, like when you're a kid and you want a toy real bad, and you save your ass off for it and then you finally get it and it feels like the best day of your life. I've been looking and looking for this toy inside me and my inner child has fought his way right back out into the open. My child just appreciates that the good things are better than ever and the bad things, well, they have a habit of trying to drag you down but my friends are catching my arm and pulling me back up onto the cliff. I'm not an astronaut but I'm lost in space and loving every minute of it.